We don’t have sex very often. You have to be rested when you have sex, and I can’t remember the last time we were rested. By the time we have time, there won’t be much more time. We’ll be too old for sex. We have sex on vacations. That’s the only time we have time or energy.
HUSBAND
Most couples have sex at night, after the house is straightened up, the cat let in, the kids asleep, and everything else is out of the way. Neurohormonally, the best time for sexual interaction is sometime in the late-morning hours when the sex hormones are at their peak. Of course, there is much more to sex than the hormones, but we are more rested and energized in the morning hours.
The argument for having sex at night is difficult to accept. Turning in for a night’s sleep is hardly the time when we are the most rested anyway. Sometimes sex can be energizing, something to share when you are tired, and this would be a good reason to have sex in the morning. Many people have fallen into a pattern of sleeping after sex, resulting in a conditioning process of kiss, hold, have intercourse, go to sleep. After a time, sex means sleep. Wouldn’t it be nice if awakening meant sexuality rather than the obligation to go to work? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could replace the alarm clock with a sexual clock signaling us to intimacy-rather than calling us to the day’s starting line?
One man in the clinic stated, “I never like to have sex in the morning. It gets me tired, and anyway, you never know who else you might meet during the day.” Although he laughed as he shared this idea, it was apparent that he felt sex was de-energizing, a discharge of energy, and he did not want to waste his vital fluids. He also assumed that new or different partners demand more energy than familiar partners. If we view sexual interaction as dependent upon some predetermined amount of available sex energy, our intimacy is determined by a sense of strength and weakness rather than awareness and responsiveness.
The couples who visited the Masters and Johnson Clinic in St. Louis reported an invigoration of their sex life. They stayed in a hotel room, were not working or parenting, and made love at various times of the day. They communicated about sex almost continually. It became, at least for two weeks, a major part of their life-style. I have found that just changing “when” couples relate sexually has major impact on their IQ, their Intimacy Quotient. One wife reported, “I don’t know what it would be like to make love when the sun is out.” Sex may have come out of the dark ages, but still has a long way to go before it comes out of dark bedrooms.
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